Unfinished Business

"Because the past is gone and the future has not yet arrived, only the present is significant." Gerald Corey

There is certainly an argument to be made about the influence of your past on your present functioning. It is expected to get guidance to leave the past alone because one cannot meaningfully change those experiences. Then, there is the question of whether re-examining your history adds value to your current functioning.

Some experiences are too complex to leave behind, not because you are a glutton for punishment but because these unresolved issues are in your rearview mirror. You may feel helpless or hopeless because you cannot understand why you keep revisiting these unpleasant experiences.

The feelings associated with these experiences linger far beyond their expiration date and interfere with your functioning. Sometimes, we live in our heads, and our thoughts result in self-destructive coping or self-sabotaging behaviors. Consequently, these unresolved feelings create unnecessary emotional and behavioral baggage that affects us personally and in relationships.

In Gestalt psychology, these unresolved feelings are viewed as unfinished business. The unfinished business may be from unexpressed feelings associated with anxiety, anger, pain, resentment, rage, grief, guilt, and shame. Your unfinished business is caused by a lack of closure and an inability to stomach your painful feelings.

An example of unfinished business is when you believe your ex-significant other took you for granted. However, you say the person is an ex for a reason. Yet, you continue to express anger toward the person long after the relationship ended. Unfinished business can also be with your friends and loved ones.

The unfinished business may prevent the development of healthy relationships built on trust and authentic communication. As a result, keeping you from living fully in the present. Working through the unfinished business is possible if you accept being stuck and connect with past frustrations. At this moment, working on accepting the past juxtaposes wishing things were different. Focusing on the past may be a means to avoid the present.

Avoidance is not a suitable alternative as this prolongs the struggles associated with unfinished business. Therefore, you must confront the past instead of avoiding the opportunity for growth in the present.

Closure to your unfinished business is strengthened by taking responsibility for your functioning. You are not avoiding unpleasant feelings, being direct about your experiences, and discussing your functioning in the present. Speak directly about your experiences, not as abstract ideas. The use of depersonalizing language is one way to sidestep responsibility. Grow out of using the general "you" when you should be making "I" statements. For example, "You feel lonely when no one returns your call." Instead of "I feel lonely when no one returns my call."

1. B. The contents of this blog post are not prescriptive. The intent is to provide information.

Empowering Minds. Inspiring Lives.  

Reference

Corey, G. (1996). Theory and practice of counseling and psychotherapy (5th ed). Brooks/Cole Publishing Company.

Sharf, S. R. (2004). Theories of psychotherapy and Counseling: Concept and cases (3rd ed).Brooks/Cole Publishing Company.