Communication: Fair Fighting

Life has its highs and lows. The highs are fantastic, and the lows can slow the best among us. Conflicts happen, and when they do, we are responsible for protecting ourselves from being mistreated. According to author Judy Murphy, our self-perception may make us reluctant to assert ourselves in conflict situations. She suggests we need to become assertive communicators to deal effectively with conflicts. We must recognize that we have rights and work to improve our self-perception.

Additionally, Davis et al. put forward assumptions we grew up with that may affect our willingness to act assertively. Below are a few of these assumptions:

• Prioritizing your needs makes you selfish
• Attaching shame to making mistakes
• Thinking things could be worse than they are, so don't rock the boat
• Others do not want to hear about your problems; keep them to yourself
• Stay on everyone’s good side
• When someone gives you advice, you should take it

In 2000, Davis et al. proposed that to overcome these assumptions, we must recognize that we are best suited to express our thoughts and feelings, communicate our needs, and self-advocate.

1. Do you avoid conflicts at all costs?
2. Are you too passive when dealing with conflicts?
3. Are you too accommodating when dealing with conflicts?
4. Do you believe you have a right to speak up for yourself?
5. Do you find it necessary to sacrifice your needs to appease others?
6. Do you have difficulty saying no?
7. Are you able to communicate your needs?

The ability to communicate assertively goes a long way toward conflict resolution. Another skill necessary to have in your conflict resolution toolbox is self-advocacy. What is self-advocacy? Van Reusen and colleagues (1994) define self-advocacy as "an individual's ability to effectively communicate, convey, negotiate, or assert their interests, desires, needs, and rights. It involves making informed decisions and taking responsibility for those decisions."

A combination of skills may be effective when addressing conflicts. Therefore, you can combine your assertive communication skills along with the fair fighting rules. You may also use your ability to self-advocate with the fair fighting rules to resolve a conflict. In this context, fair fighting rules are about communication and not physical violence.

Fair Fighting Rules:

• Know the reason you are frustrated.
• Discuss one topic at a time - this may be a difficult task if your preferred method of dealing with issues is gunny sacking. Gunny sacking involves storing your frustrations until you reach your breaking point rather than addressing them as they occur.
• Stonewalling - choosing to be passive or clamming up during a conflict, thinking the other person will stop talking if you don't speak. This strategy only offers temporary relief since there is likely no resolution to the problem that led to the conflict. You are likely to resolve the dispute through two-way communication.
• Take-turn speaking requires listening to the other person without interrupting or planning your rebuttal. Understanding the other person's perspective is essential, even if you disagree with them.
• Discuss the cause of the conflict, not the person - this may not be easy when emotions are raw. You feel the best course of action is to use derogatory language toward the person you are frustrated with. Effective communication requires reasonable self-control and self-regulation.
• Avoid making threats and giving ultimatums - this may lead to an escalation of tension.
• Be specific about your frustration - vague, non-specific responses are challenging to address and challenging for the other party to understand. If the other person has to infer what you mean or why you are upset, the person may misinterpret you.
• Responding vs. Reacting - both are an acknowledgment, but responding is measured by an intended outcome. At the same time, the reaction is an unplanned action in the heat of the moment. Reacting in the moment does not mean your response will be negative. An immediate reaction can yield a positive outcome if done assertively and include proper self-advocacy.

There are several ways to address conflicts; only a few suggestions are included in this blog post. Sometimes, conflicts are inevitable despite our best efforts to be reasonable and rational in our interactions with other people. It is not if disputes will arise. It's how you deal with them that will make a difference.

Empowering Minds. Inspiring Lives.

References

Davis, M., Eshelman, R. E., & McKay, M. (2000). The relaxation & stress reduction workbook (5th, ed). New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Murphy, J. (2011). Assertiveness: How to stand up for yourself and still win the respect of others.

Van Reusen, A. K., Bos, C. S., Schumaker, J. B., & Deshler, D. D. (1994). The self-advocacy strategy for education and transition planning. Lawrence, KS: Edge Enterprises.